His hand is on my neck. Him on his knees. I am on the dirty mattress on the cold floor. I cannot breathe, I see death beckoning; the way you can taste death somewhere in the distance. I could feel it. This has become my life. I should have accepted that by now. Don’t get me wrong this is not a sexual fantasy or one of those gory love making scenes you watch on porn sites. This is a woman in pain and this is a cry for help. Humanity slowly creeps out of the room. He lets go of my neck and I quickly gasp for air. I cannot scream anymore; my voice is long gone. Maybe the hyena has really taken it this night. His eyes are fiery and his face is rotten tomatoes. His enormous hands slap me and it sends me back to the floor. This man is going to send me to the morgue today. Maybe the fridge would give me my peace.
I lay there on the floor for a minute. Where are the neighbors? Can’t they here the drums of death in this house? The drums are getting closer and in that moment, gripped by the smell of dirty sufurias, a dirty cold floor and the smell of gas in the bedsitter, I look back on how I got myself here.
He was everything I ever wanted. You know those people that you meet and you immediately connect. He was friendly, loving and caring. Cliché. The universe is fair, what he lacked in books he made up for it in business. He was not book smart but he was street smart. He had different business ideas and every time we sat together he would mention a thing or two about starting a business. He came from Kiambu; the land of muratina. The place where potatoes, cabbages and carrots are in plenty. He was my first. My father had been very protective and now that I had reported to the university, I had all the freedom. We were the campus Bonnie and Clyde, wherever he went to I would be there, literally. I had dated him for two straight years. This isn’t the first time he is laying hands on me.
You must be thinking that I am a stupid woman. Engulfed so much in love that I let someone destroy me that much and still stay. Yes, you are right. I told you that this is a part of me now. The hitting and the name calling. It has become a routine lately and frequent. Today, I have been in the hostel drinking vodka with my roommate. That must have pissed him off or maybe because am starting to have feelings for another man and threatening to leave. I wouldn’t dare tell anyone that this is my life. I am the boss. I rarely talk to people. I mind my own business, at least that I know. If it is dying today, I will die a hero. Bullshit!!
He pulls me up with my dress, few buttons fall on the floor. This brings me out of my frenzy and I open my eyes. I am heaving and trying to breath but my heart wants out. This is the man I loved but not anymore. He growls something about lighting up the matchbox. So that we both burn inside the house. The gas is on. Do it you goddamned son of a bitch. He notices that I am not scared. How can you fear death when you have become allies due to the many times you have been molested? I always end up passing out. Passing out is being half dead. He turns off the gas and laughs sarcastically. ‘Unacheza na mimi wewe’. He grips the dress tighter and I stare at him in the eyes, he tears the cloth. ‘I am going to rape you! ‘. Tears cascade down my face and for a moment my heart is in pain. This is supposed to be my guy. He is supposed to be my protector and when it’s time to break up he is supposed to be damn mature about it.
He kisses me. First a little then a lot. I kiss him back. This is how all the fights end. He slowly embraces me. My face is swollen and I think I might be nose bleeding. He wipes my face with the back of his hand. I am thinking that this is a psychopath am dating. He kisses me again. His hand is already inside my panties. I am wet for him. I hate myself because of this. Girl, he just tried to kill you a few milliseconds ago. He slowly leads me to the mattress on the floor. The same mattress that was just about to be my resting place. Maybe I enjoy this after all. Maybe I am a psychopath in my own way. His hands are fondling my breasts and by now his manhood is hard and ready. Our bodies give in to each other and we make wild love and as we reach climax my soul whispers into my ear…This is the last time.